Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.