me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”