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Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I believe the plural is “milves.”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
g
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d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*