*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
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Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Seems kinda suspicious
OMG 🤣🤣
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️