I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
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Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
This pepper has seen some shit
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!