Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
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[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Harsh but fair
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood