i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
The glory of fall.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.