Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
You Might Also Like
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
as is their right
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.