Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
You Might Also Like
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.