‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
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I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10