Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
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drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.