imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
You Might Also Like
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass