Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
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“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?