Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
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Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
never ask a starfish for directions
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did