I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
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Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
u spoke cat all this time??????
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*