When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
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Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’