[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
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{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
They must have gotten it to go.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed