The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
You Might Also Like
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.