Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
You Might Also Like
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
he was correct
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
congratulations to them
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.