Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
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REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
🤣🤣
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”