you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
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All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.