Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
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Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
#ParentingFacts
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*