[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
You Might Also Like
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
my sentiments exactly
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.