*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
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Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]