Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
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Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.