Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
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Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I see your IQ test came back negative
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”