Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
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Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
cry laughing at this shit
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts