[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
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I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.