I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
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There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less