Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
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james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.