‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
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A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.