I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
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Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush