“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.