me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
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And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone