Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
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(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?