I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
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Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?