As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
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My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator