My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
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Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Velcrow
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”