Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
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I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head