[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
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HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent