Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions