life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
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*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
happy friday
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy