PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
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I can’t stop watching this.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?