Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
You Might Also Like
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
couldn’t resist
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.