[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
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It be like that sometimes 😆
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
RT if you know someone like this!!!
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.