Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
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[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Ghost costume 😂
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
the world’s most popular steaming services
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore