One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-