[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
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You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
BaD BoY!!