Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
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Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?