Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
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Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Florida man
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”